Culture is Killing Our Kids

Saw this on a publisher’s website, from youth minister and author Steve Ingraham, who recently sent this letter to the families in his congregation. All I can say is

AMEN!

Dear Parents,

We love your kids.

We love them enough to send you this letter.

Your youth are in a bad place. We have never seen a generation of teenagers who are more stressed, full of anxiety, depressed, suicidal, over-committed, over-medicated, over-worked and over-extracurriculared, and it is killing them, sometimes literally. We know you

want the best for them: the best grades, the best colleges, the best teams, performances, standardized scores, friend groups, etc. We all want the best for them. But they are not the best at everything, and they will never be the best at everything.

I was not, you were not, and they will not stand atop the podium in every area they compete. As I watch the Olympics I have thought a lot about what it takes to get to the Olympics, let alone what it takes to get to the top of that podium. It takes incredible amounts of raw talent, dedication, work, and single-mindedness about that discipline.

Unfortunately, we see many parents pushing these standards and unrealistic expectations in every area of their kids' lives. They cannot do it all; they cannot handle the stress and are being crushed under the weight of the expectation. Now, please hear me; this involves not just your expectations, this involves the expectations of their coaches, teachers, administrators, potential colleges-and the expectations of each other. Expectations are good; they cause us to rise above where we, alone, would usually strive. But they must be realistic expectations based on each student.

Your kids are probably not going to Harvard, and that is okay.

Your kids are probably not going to play a professional sport, and that is okay.

But your kids can be amazing, productive, courageous, and wonderful human beings who love, and have passions and dreams; should we really want more than that?

Our culture is moving to a place where parents are told that they are not allowed to be the ones who determine the limits and expectations of their kids.

When kids come home with 3+ hours of homework every night, you should not accept that; it is not reasonable.

When kids have to practice a sport all summer, every week, so that you cannot take a family vacation or send them on a mission trip because the coach threatens them that they will not play, that is not acceptable.

When you have to beg your kids to get off the computer or video game, or to see their phone, you should remember there should never be any begging involved.

You should set the priorities for your children; you are the ones who determine their schedules; you are the ones who are ultimately responsible for balance in their lives while they are under your roofs. This is not only your right, it is your calling and your responsibility as parents.

You are not powerless in ANY of these situations. Get enough parents together to talk to the administration about the amounts of homework.

Pull enough stars from the football team.

Disconnect their phones.

I guarantee you, that will bring all parties to the table.

Now, I am a youth minister. I have been in youth ministry for 16 years. It has not always been this way, trust me. Also, know that when I talk about a balanced life, I am not excluding their spirituality. There was an article written a few months back that compared youth ministry and church to an elective or extra-curricular. I think that is generous at best.

Most parents and students take electives and extra-curriculars much more seriously than they do regular involvement in a faith community.

Now, do not get me wrong; the lip service is there. "I want to be at youth group on Sunday night, but I have too much homework,"

"I wish my child could go on the mission trip, but he has football,"

"I really want them to be in church, but they just have too many things going on right now."

Let's stop playing the game.

If you really want them there, you can make it happen. If a student really wants to be at church or youth group, homework will not get in the way; it doesn't get in the way of basketball, show choir, or ACT prep classes.

Why?

Because we value those things, we love those things, and we are committed to those things.

I will argue you that we are over-investing in each of these things, and are under-investing in the long-term spirituality of our youth.

If it is a priority, them make it one; if not, that is okay, but do not make excuses about it. We will respect you a lot more if you do not apologize about your priorities and often try to make us feel bad that your student cannot find one hour a week to come to one of the ten things we offer.

Balance also means not creating kids who spend every waking moment at church. We are not asking you to have them there five times a week. They need other communities, activities, and things that balance their lives. Sports, academics, the arts, etc., are all wonderful things as long as they are balanced.

We want you and your student(s) to commit to one or two things a week that will feed them spiritually and give them the opportunity to engage in a community of faith, the way their faith calls them to. Youth group junkies are not what we are trying to create, and is not why this article is written.

Finally, we want to tell you that we know it is hard. We know these decisions are not easy and you have the enormous weight of cultural and societal expectation bearing down on you. But know this...

We as youth ministers and clergy are here to help you. To support you. To join with you as we push back against this culture of excess and strive to bring sanity back to our kids' and our families' lives. We want this-for us, for our communities, and for you. We want families and students and parents to have sabbath, not so you can refuel but so you can rest. We want balance, not so you can add church onto your list of to do's but so you can have time and bandwidth to live out your faith. We want this, not to make you feel guilty, but to help you reclaim your kids' lives, their schedules and your calendars.

Ultimately we want this because we love you, we see you suffering, and we want to help.

Let's do this together.

Steve Ingram