Saw this on a publisher’s website, from youth
minister and author Steve Ingraham, who recently sent this letter to the
families in his congregation. All I can say is
AMEN!
Dear Parents,
We love your kids.
We love them enough to send you this letter.
Your youth are in a bad place. We have never seen a
generation of teenagers who are more stressed, full of anxiety, depressed,
suicidal, over-committed, over-medicated, over-worked and
over-extracurriculared, and it is killing them, sometimes literally. We know
you
want the best for them: the best grades, the best
colleges, the best teams, performances, standardized scores, friend groups,
etc. We all want the best for them. But they are not the best at everything,
and they will never be the best at everything.
I was not, you were not, and they will not stand
atop the podium in every area they compete. As I watch the Olympics I have thought
a lot about what it takes to get to the Olympics, let alone what it takes to
get to the top of that podium. It takes incredible amounts of raw talent,
dedication, work, and single-mindedness about that discipline.
Unfortunately, we see many parents pushing these
standards and unrealistic expectations in every area of their kids' lives. They
cannot do it all; they cannot handle the stress and are being crushed under the
weight of the expectation. Now, please hear me; this involves not just your
expectations, this involves the expectations of their coaches, teachers,
administrators, potential colleges-and the expectations of each other.
Expectations are good; they cause us to rise above where we, alone, would
usually strive. But they must be realistic expectations based on each student.
Your kids are probably not going to Harvard, and
that is okay.
Your kids are probably not going to play a
professional sport, and that is okay.
But your kids can be amazing, productive,
courageous, and wonderful human beings who love, and have passions and dreams; should
we really want more than that?
Our culture is moving to a place where parents are
told that they are not allowed to be the ones who determine the limits and expectations
of their kids.
When kids come home with 3+ hours of homework every
night, you should not accept that; it is not reasonable.
When kids have to practice a sport all summer,
every week, so that you cannot take a family vacation or send them on a mission
trip because the coach threatens them that they will not play, that is not
acceptable.
When you have to beg your kids to get off the
computer or video game, or to see their phone, you should remember there should
never be any begging involved.
You should set the priorities for your children;
you are the ones who determine their schedules; you are the ones who are
ultimately responsible for balance in their lives while they are under your
roofs. This is not only your right, it is your calling and your responsibility as
parents.
You are not powerless in ANY of these situations.
Get enough parents together to talk to the administration about the amounts of homework.
Pull enough stars from the football team.
Disconnect their phones.
I guarantee you, that will bring all parties to the
table.
Now, I am a youth minister. I have been in youth
ministry for 16 years. It has not always been this way, trust me. Also, know
that when I talk about a balanced life, I am not excluding their spirituality. There
was an article written a few months back that compared youth ministry and
church to an elective or extra-curricular. I think that is generous at best.
Most parents and students take electives and
extra-curriculars much more seriously than they do regular involvement in a
faith community.
Now, do not get me wrong; the lip service is there.
"I want to be at youth group on Sunday night, but I have too much
homework,"
"I wish my child could go on the mission trip,
but he has football,"
"I really want them to be in church, but they
just have too many things going on right now."
Let's stop playing the game.
If you really want them there, you can make it
happen. If a student really wants to be at church or youth group, homework will
not get in the way; it doesn't get in the way of basketball, show choir, or ACT
prep classes.
Why?
Because we value those things, we love those
things, and we are committed to those things.
I will argue you that we are over-investing in each
of these things, and are under-investing in the long-term spirituality of our
youth.
If it is a priority, them make it one; if not, that
is okay, but do not make excuses about it. We will respect you a lot more if
you do not apologize about your priorities and often try to make us feel bad
that your student cannot find one hour a week to come to one of the ten things
we offer.
Balance also means not creating kids who spend
every waking moment at church. We are not asking you to have them there five times
a week. They need other communities, activities, and things that balance their lives. Sports, academics,
the arts, etc., are all wonderful things as long as they are balanced.
We want you and your student(s) to commit to one or
two things a week that will feed them spiritually and give them the opportunity
to engage in a community of faith, the way their faith calls them to. Youth
group junkies are not what we are trying to create, and is not why this article
is written.
Finally, we want to tell you that we know it is
hard. We know these decisions are not easy and you have the enormous weight of cultural
and societal expectation bearing down on you. But know this...
We as youth ministers and clergy are here to help
you. To support you. To join with you as we push back against this culture of
excess and strive to bring sanity back to our kids' and our families' lives. We
want this-for us, for our communities, and for you. We want families and
students and parents to have sabbath, not so you can refuel but so you can
rest. We want balance, not so you can add church onto your list of to do's but
so you can have time and bandwidth to live out your faith. We want this, not to
make you feel guilty, but to help you reclaim your kids' lives, their schedules
and your calendars.
Ultimately we want this because we love you, we see
you suffering, and we want to help.
Let's do this together.
Steve Ingram
